Repeat

These poems are affirmations as I embrace my identity

As I rehearse every verse. I take off and put on the new me.

I’ve had a song about myself that does not reflect what I see.

Awakening into consciousness that with God I must agree.

I learned the right words. It was in my head and not my heart.

I didn’t commit to chewing His Word. I keep having to press restart.

Discovering revelations I felt honored. I felt smart.

Now requiring remediation, the lesson faded. I’m in the dark.

I’m privileged to get yet another chance to digest what He’s trying to teach me.

Stiff necked and over sensitive but God stalks me because he misses me.

I repeat the promises obsessively to stay present, to stay here, to stay sane.

Through it all when everything is gone, his Words will still remain.

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Becoming Beautiful

I became beautiful to me although I already was.

In seed form I could not see beauty but with time it was perfected in love

I had an idea of what it means to be beautiful but I can’t fully define it.

Everyone one has their own definitions but only one can completely describe it.

Beauty is…without trying a picture that many can not see.

They are trying too hard. The trick is to let beauty be.

I discovered beautiful in the dark with no one to tell me I was wrong.

Confused me when I saw what she really looks like when the lights came on.

She was adorned with a gentle and quiet spirit,Confident and strong.

Submissive to correction, her eyes sang the sweetest song.

Beauty has to grow to manifest her features

Love is responsible for being beauty’s teacher.

Patience matures beauty. The time she takes is never a waste

She teaches beauty that she is more than outside images.

Inside out you are much better developed. Beautiful you are so much than a pretty face.

Keep becoming beautiful. Don’t rush the process. Keep your pace. Don’t worry about another’s beauty. Beautiful you can never be replaced.

#beautiful

What if I fail?

Last night I had a panic attack. I couldn’t identify the pain in my chest. I assumed that it could be gas or maybe a heart attack. I wasn’t sure so I called 911. They arrived and checked my vitals. My blood pressure was elevated but everything else was normal.

I took the ride in the ambulance. They did all the testing to check to see if my heart was ok. It is. Glory to God

I came to truth about the reason I had the panic attack. It was a revelation that seemed simple. My heart is hurting.

The truth will offend you before it makes you free.

I speak about healing all the time.

Where does my heart need healing?

I had several conversations yesterday. All I heard was that I was doing something wrong. It felt like a beat down. My heart is already broken how much more of this am I supposed to endure?

I wanted to hide and never show my face again.

I remembered that this is the easy way out.

I have a ton of history that reminds me that this isn’t the way to be healed.

You are healed as you go.

So, I had to look at this in the face.

My children were playing connect 4, the other night. There were unsure of how to win. Their father taught the oldest and she gained confidence. The middle girl went in with the attitude to win not to learn. Her heart was broken immediately after she lost the first time. She thought because she failed she was a failure. She couldn’t grasp how to play because she was emotionally frustrated. She wanted to quit. I encouraged her to wipe her face and study how to defeat her opponent. Whimpering and breathing frantically she watched her sister win and win again. I said if you can see where she gets 3 in a row on your next turn insert your token in the 4th spot so you can block her from winning.

She won.

Her confidence began rising.

I learned from my child that I am afraid to fail.

I have backed out( gracefully bowed out) of numerous opportunities because I thought there was a possibility that I could not win. I haven’t stayed in the game long enough to wipe my eyes from losing. I have not wanted to be a failure so I only pursue the things that are easy.

I want to be perfect and some challenges expose to me that I am not. This is ugly to me. I run when I see this. I blame and complain when I am this uncomfortable.

I am unable to hide anymore. I can’t blame anyone else. I asked God for real change and this truth is pissing me off big time but because I love God I won’t run this time.

Not because I want to impress people or because I want to win.

I love God more than anything or anyone. Victory is already mine because I have him.

Failing does not make me a failure. Learning to walk consistently means that I will fall. I no longer have to condemn myself for not being a marathon runner. Right now I celebrate that God loves me enough to pick me up every time I fall and encourages me to dust myself off and walk again. I let myself and others off the hook for not being perfect. I accept the gift of forgiveness God gives me. Thank you Lord for freedom from guilt and shame. I release the spirit of judgment and I accept your unlimited grace and mercy that you have allotted to me daily. I will not seek comfort in my past which was easy. I press toward the total transformation that God has ordained for my life. I will pursue God confidence. I am totally dependent on God to build, fill and heal me. Thank you Lord for deciding that I am worth it. I appreciate you for placing all of my faults into the sea of forgetfulness. I belong to you God and will forever remain in you all the days of my life.

I Accept You

I get joy from giving this gift to others but I made up my mind to give it to you too.

Here it is…

I pray you receive it with love

I accept you.

I accept that you are imperfect

I accept that you are a masterpiece in progress.

I accept that you are one of the greatest people I know.

I accept that sometimes your comedic timing is off

I accept that your eyes speak to souls who are lost

I accept that you will never be like them

I accept that you were made in the image of Him.

I accept that you are a creative

I accept that your dreams are worthy of being created

I accept that you matter in a world of who cares

I accept that you are unordinary and choose the dare

I accept that your heart is soft

I accept that when you speak at times you pause

I accept that you love, love when it doesn’t love you

I accept that you have vowed to forever share the truth

I accept that you will have less than sunshiny day’s

I accept that you are determined to never give up, come what may

I accept that you have repeated yourself more than you’d like

I accept that you will be great but it won’t happen overnight

I accept that you are worthy of forgiveness and love

I accept that it’s ok that you want to give everyone hugs

I accept that you have purpose much greater than you

I accept that means you can’t do everything that you wanna do

I accept you Cherina Dene’, just as you are.

I accept each stage of you. You today, won’t be you tomorrow.

Receive my gift

Open it each day

My prayer is that you will never forget

Your acceptance of you is how you keep depression away.

Tattered Teeth

A wise woman shared with me her tale of disintegrating teeth.

She told me she was getting sized for a new upper plate. She had 2 previous plates and both were uncomfortable. One disturbed her gums and the other was too flexible. It hurt badly when she wore them because the pain was too much to bear. Her gums never adjusted to having them on all the time. She said it was over 10 years that she had them but refused to endured the uncomfortable stage. She admits that her smile could be dazzling because she already had the teeth to make the world shine brighter.

After life experiences, her mind is now made up to get rid of the 6 teeth that she has left at the top. 2 of them have cavities and the other 4 are only a hindrance from getting a complete new set. She told me that they all would be pulled out. She told me that when you have no other options, you have to do right.

Knowing that she has the option to either have a beautiful smile or be snaggle mouth was hard truth to confront. She’s now prepared now to endure the hurt of adjustment to get the teeth she needs.

Repair is costly but can only be temporary if we don’t do our part to maintain the help that is given to us. If we can get through the adjustment stage of being developed it will benefit us far greater than we ever imagined.

When you hit rock bottom and come to yourself, You will find that letting go of the ease of convenience will serve as stepping stone instead of a stumbling block. God will give you strength to endure as you let go of your will for his. Endure! Your new will soon be good for you.

Revealed to Heal

I used to have stomach pains so horrible that I would go to the emergency room all the time. Sometimes my husband would have to call the ambulance because I couldn’t change my position without it hurting long enough for the drive. They would give me pain meds and a few times I got a shot in my belly of Toradol to give me instant relief temporarily.

They always sent me home and told me to follow up with my regular doctor. I didn’t have insurance so I didn’t have a primary care physician. Every time I told them symptoms and they gave me an X-ray. They never found anything.

One evening I had to make an emergency room visit for something unrelated. The area of pain was now located in another location of my belly.They ran a different test for a different problem. They gave me an ultrasound this time. They found out that I had gallstones and I was pregnant.

I was relieved because now because this issue had a name. It wasn’t me suffering only to get temporary healing. It wasn’t me imagining that I was having this pain. I no longer had to guess if I had a hidden silent killer disease. I finally knew what was the matter. I could end my google research.

I was now able to prevent as many flare ups. I knew now that it was not unto death. I learned to avoid certain foods to keep the pain at bay until I could have surgery to remove my gallbladder.

Being pregnant and carrying my rainbow baby I took better care of myself. I had the responsibility of nurturing my unborn child and that made me stay away from the food that made the gallstones act up.

The only way that I was able to have the surgery is because I was still covered by the insurance 6 months after I had the baby. I wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise.

Over the last couple of years I have been on a journey to get to the root of me. Why couldn’t I be the best me? I know there’s more but why couldn’t I grow steadily. Why do I get stuck and can’t grow any further? I knew that the fruit only produces whatever is is the root. What is in me that makes me stop when I should go?

Thank God he didn’t allow me to stop going to the hospital. I appreciate that it took all of those visits to the spiritual hospital before finally being properly diagnosed. One issue made the doctor perform another battery of test to find the other issue that I was looking for an answer to all along.

I heard someone else say to me before that this was an issue I need to look into but I shook it off. I wasn’t ready to hear this about myself. Then, another conversation with someone else that made think that possibly this could be the underlying issue. My Apostle Dwayne preached this message Sunday about pride called “Minding your Mind”. This is a powerful diagnosis and treatment plan for an underlying issue for decades. As hard as a pill that is to swallow that this is my diagnosis, I’m glad to know that this isn’t unto death. There is a way for this issue to be repaired. Surgery will be needed to remove it but now I get to live a healthy productive life. This is great news!!! I get to see recover completely under the hands of a team that cares about my well being and has my best interest at heart.

God only reveals these areas so that he can heal us. It is God’s desire that we be made whole. It took a lot of digging but I’m so glad that God can fix me.

Overwhelmed by Blessings

My family and I are totally sustained/maintained by the grace and mercy of God. One of the tricks of the enemy is to make me feel guilty because we are so blessed. I started keeping record of who blessed us. I didn’t want them to bless me and I couldn’t reciprocate. Every time I thank God and remember their name in prayer. Then, I would plan out in my mind how I can repay them.

I was going through a list of angels who recently blessed us. (All blessings aren’t money). I got overwhelmed. Lord, HOW!!!! Can I repay all these people?

I then heard God whisper to me that it is his debt.

My heart’s cry is to see these people flourish in every endeavor. He reminded me of the garden. If you sow into good ground in the right season you are guaranteed a good harvest.

In learning my true identity I find that I am good. I understand that God made me this way. I know that it is not because of anything I’ve done or who I am but it was his choice before I was created to masterfully build a vessel of worship for himself. Just as he did when he created the earth, he thought about the world with Cherina Alford in it and it was good.

Why should I stress about being blessed? That’s an insult to God. The blessings of the Lord maketh rich and causes no sorrow. God put our family on the minds of others to bless us.

My response is thank you Lord🙌🏾 Thank you for being mindful of we, your children. Thank you for being a promise keeper. Thank you for the people who bless us. Father, bless them as only you can. Just as Elisha blessed the wealthy woman who was barren. Honor these your people with the very thing that could not get by themselves. Lord, I request a miracle of making the impossible, possible for them. God, for their obedience to sow into my family tear down stubborn strongholds that only you can tear down. I ask that you grant them the secret desires that have never uttered a word about to anyone including you. Take care of those who take care of us. Heal them and make them whole in every broken place. Remove anything that was hindering them from getting blessed. Keep them blessed to continue to be a blessing to others for your namesake. I know that you are well able to do this for you are God, Almighty. You are the same God who allowed them bless us. I trust you to take my little prayer and make it much. I know that faith as a grain of mustard seed gets your attention then I believe that you have heard my desires to grow their seeds in me. I know that is already done in Jesus name.

I remember that you took all of my shame to the cross. I accept your gift of loving kindness. I’m grateful for your attention to all details concerning us. I love you Lord and your people. I thank you Lord for all these things in Jesus name I pray. Amen🙏🏾